im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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