don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
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