I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Randomize
