i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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