Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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