I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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