I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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