My underwear smells like fireworks.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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