yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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