Moan for me like Helen Keller
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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