his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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