I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
