To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
