i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
