You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
