Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
