I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Randomize
