My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
