she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
