somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
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