i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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