God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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