OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
