Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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