He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize