She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
