she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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