WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
