Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
do herpes really smell.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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