Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize