dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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