I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
