Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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