im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
no, he came in my armpit
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
