I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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