soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize