I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
