My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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