the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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