I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
