If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
please come you make the beer taste better
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Randomize
