The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
