just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
And then he peed in my hair
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