trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
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