Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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