He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Randomize
