I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
