Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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