I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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