you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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