Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
