when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
