Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
