I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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