Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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