I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
