I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
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