So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
She bit a glass in half.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
