drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
